Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
