Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
