I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
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