my phone needs a breathalizer
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
