Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
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You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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