Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
