i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
