i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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