haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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