As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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