new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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