enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
