My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
