i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
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After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
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I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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