Swine flu. Run for my life!
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
