I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
