I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
