so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
