Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Girls should come with a carfax report
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The uberlube is also flammable
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
