I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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