and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
ttyl tear gas
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
you never un-have a 4some
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
