And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?