I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
