I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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