Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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