my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
