how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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