I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
