he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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