Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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