I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
