He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
