Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
That accounts for only three of the penises
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
