why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
no, he came in my armpit
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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