Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
