Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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