How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
