i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
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