i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.