I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.