I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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