my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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