dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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