god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
