So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
