The best revenge is premature balding
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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