I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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