Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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