Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
