3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
