wanna go halves on a baby?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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