Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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