I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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