he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
