So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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