I am in a vortex of obligation.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
