either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
