I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
