Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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