thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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